The Father's Heart
It's Father's Day! One of my favorite childhood memories with my father was our daddy-daughter day visiting Six Flags. I was 7, my first time at the park and was ready to ride ALL the rides! As soon as you walk through the park entrance, you are bombarded by a group of park photographers offering photos, at a pretty price of course. I eagerly looked up and asked if we could get photos. He was a stern and straightforward guy, but it wasn't hard getting a yes out of him for his baby girl. He bent down and I sat on his knee with an awkward youthful smile and eyes glaring from the sun. I was just excited to be with my dad. How could I have possibly known it would be the last photo we have together. A few weeks or so later, he pulled a trigger to end the life he silently suffered through.
Happy Father's Day.
Like myself, there are many people who experience hurtful, strained, unfavorable relationships with their father or even mother through either death, illness, incarceration or estranged circumstances. And as you grow older, the wounds grow with you. The hollowness of the whole may feel empty or inconspicuously bandaged and unnoticed. After his death, I was assigned a "school mentor" and visited a private therapist twice. But, I was fine. I enjoyed meeting with my school mentor and getting small gifts. Any reason to get out of class was a good one. But, really, I was ok. My classmates would ask about my father, I'd respond "he passed away". Their hesitation and natural response was "oh…I'm so sorry to hear that." I'd just shrug my shoulders, "it's ok, it doesn't bother me." I tried to make an awkward conversation, not so awkward. For years, I’d answer so cavalierly that I was ok, his death was ok, and all was just ok. And I believed it. I truly believed his death didn't bother me. With few memories and even fewer pictures, my dad's existence slowly became a mere figment of my imagination. But it wasn’t until well into my college years, I realized the dormant dad size void I filled with “ok’s and I’m fines” really wasn't filled at all. In fact, there were roots of unresolved trauma, trust issues, abandonment, hidden resentment, unforgiveness, and a deep lack of a father’s love that filled its place instead.
Many of us dysfunctionally function through life; but ultimately it impairs the quality of our interactions and relationships with others, especially those we love. We then apply the unfiltered lens of our life experiences to how we see God. For me, my distorted view of God was based on the knowledge of my natural father and subsequently other men in my life. The sense of detachment, overcompensating for love and approval, struggle to receive love, or preference to just do without was masterfully disguised in my thoughts of God, the Father. Giving God just enough to trust him with what I can see and not where I am the most vulnerable. The caveat is God loves me enough to want to deal with all of me, my hurt, my distrust, my past baggage, and fill the void as father in my life.
"Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close." - Psalm 27:10
It's impossible to fathom why God has such a reckless love for us. Romans 8 describes our adoption as God's heirs and confirms the incredible depth of God's love. Unlike people whose love may be conditional and support wavering, God never abandons us. He takes pride in accepting us as His responsibility, just as a Father should. I am learning to remove the discolored lens and allow God to give me beauty for my ashes. Take a moment to discover the why and root of your attitudes and actions. He can then begin a healing process to expose our hidden hurt and uncover the purpose in our pain. It's crazy the type of light that's been shed on my heart. God is still showing me new things to work on. It will no longer suffice to operate from half healed hearts, when we have a divine right to wholeness and freedom. But we have to really try God at His word, surrender the surface and dig deeper. It's a work in progress, but let me remind you God is faithful to finish what He starts. Healing comes through revelation. I challenge you to ask God for a fresh lens and to give you new knowledge of The Father's Heart.
Daddy and me at Six Flags circa '95.